Rumors are afoot that the Uganda Pentecostal University will be granting an Honorary Doctor of Law to Gov'nor Palin.
The former Hugo Grotius School of Law and Professional Studies is best known for debunking claims that international law forbids burning accused homosexuals at the stake. The leading Uganda ministers have clarified that only paedophiles are burned at the stake. In the case of the sons and nephews of government ministers, most are required to do community service at the retraining center for for the sons and nephews of known homosexual politicians. The controversial "rape-conversions" are, in fact, therapeutic, part of the new government effort never to "spare the rod". Early efforts to use water-boarding to deter male prostitution near popular tourist resorts on Lake Victoria have simply proven ineffective. These are, we are told, "the Devil's terrorists" and there is only one thing that they understand.
A recent Ugandan Supreme Court decision to allow fathers to rape suspected homosexual sons in private has been misunderstood: such measures require both a permit and a documented failure of both public spanking and public flogging to deter the devils contrary to the report of the Kafka Catholic Institute on Doma Lex and Pater Familial Law. Fathers who have lost a hand due to false accusations of theft are permitted to use the mother's oldest brother as their father-surrogate (one must never flog with the left-hand as it is only used to leave the symbol the the Evil Eye when getting to know new neighbors.)
A flood of tourists from Turkey purchasing spades and shovels has led to relaxing anti-terrorist requirements such that young women traveling to Uganda in the company of only their father, their brothers or their mother's brothers shall no longer be required to purchase round-trip tickets. Uganda has been importing spades and shovels from neighboring countries ever since the Fatwa declaring that shovels and spades used to protect family honor are in fact holy relics. The Fatwa on the use of Israeli-made backhoes, once so popular in Uganda, has resulted in the current high demand. It is thought in Juneau that shovels and spades left over from the last Alaskan Gold Rush and currently in storage in Murmansk might be shipped to Uganda once the US Corp of Missionary Engineers has completed the new canal linking the Great Lakes with Lake Victoria. Fears of Communist Chinese carp have delayed the project.
Advisors from AIDS and homosexual-free Iran have been welcomed by the Ugandan Pentecostal Council of Government Ministers and their nephews as a sign of ecumenical amity. Only unwritten or unpublished legal regulations, not confidential policy, will be affected by these consultations with fellow theocrats.
It had previously been thought the the major universities which had granted doctorates (actual full-entitlement PhD's with tenured health insurance benefits) to the present President of The Ukraine and the former Romanian first lady, Dr. Ceausescu (the world's first illiterate female peasant director of a national chemistry research institute) but Roumainian is difficult to spell and Ukraine has only been independent of Russia for about as long as Alaska and could return to form Bi-yellaruss at any time which would be difficult to explain at some international conferences on climate stability and retrograde climate epicycles where they don't always speak much English or don't read so good.
It is not known if a Doctorate of Divinity will be awarded on this or a future visit of the proto-presidential couple to the American Community Christian Missions of Uganda (formerly the World Evangelical Pentecostal Missions to Uganda.)
A Doctorate in Carp Fisheries Administration will be awarded to husband Todd if his duties with the newly amalgamated FAA-NRA permit.
Advert: If you feel your airplane may be a target, rest assured: you are now in the hands of the new FAA, administered by the professionals at NRA. No target is too small for the really big guns at NRA. You will only have to read NTSB-approved gunsights on all weapons carried by our FAA-NRA marshals if you forget the chapter and verse for your in-flight sermon.. Have a FAA-N RA-ide!
Advert: New National Patriots Airlines - only catering to folks who pray without all that rocking and bric-a-brac. The pride of Kentucky! Fly in comfort with your congregation to your next national convention - at ease in our wide-bottomed seats. Head office: Nashville, TN. Remember, only Pastors, Deacons and Elders are permitted to fly Sundays (Mormons excepted.) Ticket purchases by privately-owned Fedex and UPS only, if'n y'all please: the SMSDT (Southern Mail Service and Delivery Trust) is your best choice in a Free America. The Mail Trust carries only the mail we trust! Sponsored by the family-owned House of Thurn and Taxis, home of telegraphed internet tax returns and other banking services. More than just the mail!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
President-elect of Ukraine, Viktor Yanukovych, was awarded a Doctorate in Public Safety by the Institute for Post-Graduate Adult Education (mail-order division) and was a classmate of ex-New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik - who should be paroled in time to resume his career as Homeland Security Secretary having lost his previous W. Bush nomination to rumors in the mainstream liberal leftist press.
ReplyDeleteAN entry at en.wikipedia.org incorrectly states that "In 2001, Yanukovych graduated from the Ukrainian Academy of Foreign Trade as a Master of International Law. Only none of his classmates remember him attending the classes or taking any test.[27] Later, Yanukovych was granted the titles of Doctor of Science and Professor in Economics" when he was in fact doing Air National Guard service in Odessa at the time.