We wish to apologize for having left some of our followers with the impression that the Gov'nor was unversed in Pentecostal theology (Alaskan).
It has been brought to our attention that in the Last Days we will see an historical correction. With the Bodily Resurrection of all sinners prior to their Physical Descent into Everlasting Damnation, those Pentecostals raptured from Nagasaki and Hiroshima will be doing a quick head count BECAUSE the mainstream Japanese press have exaggerated for years the numbers vaporized in two urban tests of tactical non-HE explosive devices, neither model of which went into full-scale production.
Imagine the chagrin of those lil' beggars who resisted the missionary message of our missions in Nagi and Hiro only to be Physically Resurrected and then moments later, Kah-phlouey! - the big non-water slide into Hell-Fire !
One of the finer theological points, naturally, is whether the designer labels of those who experienced mere atomic vaporization will be restored to the unburnt clothing that they will leave behind upon Rapture. In the few moments that the Resurrected Sinners are wetting their tattered undies, imagine their chagrin in seeing the odd label turned out on this sweater and that jumpsuit, knowing that they, too, could have known Prosperity Gospel and Redeeming Grace! Talk about your being predestined for a turn-around! El Tropos!
PS
Pentecostal physicists tell us that although physically there are not enough electrons in the Universe to store the details about the identities of those who will be Physically Resurrected only to be dry-flushed to HELL, there is in fact a one, true and mighty God who can see in the dark (remember, before the ole "Let there be light!", right?) and that He has, in fact, inscribed all the necessary details on scrolls of ... Dark Matter! The new "string" theory of dark matter is, in fact, the curved "manifolds" or "brains" of "Scroll Theory"!
Showing posts with label Pentecostal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pentecostal. Show all posts
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Palin and the Pope: science lessons
Looking through sermons published on the web, our semantic web researchers have sent us e-mail from D.C clarifying just why the Roman Catholic Church is the target of Pentecostal fury and not Islamic states with nuclear weapons.
These are not the most important e-mails that we have received - many of our friends and supporters have sent us emails revealing that the Spitzer photographs of the supposed "galaxy" more correctly named "The Andromeda Nebula" were, in fact, photo-shopped by the same team who faked the moon landing photos for NASA!
The faking of astronomical photographs has helped lull Catholics into accepting the views of the Vatican and its fallen astronomers at Castel Gondolfo - messengers of the Anti-Christ who accept both that the age if the earth is some billions of years and the the sun has been burning methane for even longer!
Only the Lutherans in Norway had been able to prevent Nobel Prizes for the astronomer-fakers who suggested that life came from amino-acids in space dust!
With the Catholic Church accepting liberal leftist science and rejecting both creationism and intelligent design, we see how the pronouncements of popes have come to out-weigh the letters of Paul to the faithful!
Fact: the photographs are generated! NO film was ever retrieved! E-mails have shown us beyond a doubt that Adobe Photoshop was used and not the free GIMP made available to all Americans in the Entrepreneurial Spirit! We have carefully correlated the pay-sheets and timecards of the federal employees named by our advisors - tax-paid "employees" with their bogus deductions detailed on their income tax returns (and we used faxes, not just word of mouth) and there is no question! But here will be a reckoning in 2012!
Keep those e-mails and faxes coming in!
Get big government out of science! Put science back in the hands of the people! No more taxes to fund liberal science! No more satellites to generate bogus "data"! Get liberal theory out of science! Get "scientists" off the payrolls of big government! Stop the "grants" and "funding"!
Advert: Dinosaurs for kids! Each package clearly states that no one ever saw one of the critters and that no one has photographs showing that the World is more than 500 years old! No cycled paper used in packaging. No products boxed or shipped from sheltered workshops for the "testing-challenged".
These are not the most important e-mails that we have received - many of our friends and supporters have sent us emails revealing that the Spitzer photographs of the supposed "galaxy" more correctly named "The Andromeda Nebula" were, in fact, photo-shopped by the same team who faked the moon landing photos for NASA!
The faking of astronomical photographs has helped lull Catholics into accepting the views of the Vatican and its fallen astronomers at Castel Gondolfo - messengers of the Anti-Christ who accept both that the age if the earth is some billions of years and the the sun has been burning methane for even longer!
Only the Lutherans in Norway had been able to prevent Nobel Prizes for the astronomer-fakers who suggested that life came from amino-acids in space dust!
With the Catholic Church accepting liberal leftist science and rejecting both creationism and intelligent design, we see how the pronouncements of popes have come to out-weigh the letters of Paul to the faithful!
Fact: the photographs are generated! NO film was ever retrieved! E-mails have shown us beyond a doubt that Adobe Photoshop was used and not the free GIMP made available to all Americans in the Entrepreneurial Spirit! We have carefully correlated the pay-sheets and timecards of the federal employees named by our advisors - tax-paid "employees" with their bogus deductions detailed on their income tax returns (and we used faxes, not just word of mouth) and there is no question! But here will be a reckoning in 2012!
Keep those e-mails and faxes coming in!
Get big government out of science! Put science back in the hands of the people! No more taxes to fund liberal science! No more satellites to generate bogus "data"! Get liberal theory out of science! Get "scientists" off the payrolls of big government! Stop the "grants" and "funding"!
Advert: Dinosaurs for kids! Each package clearly states that no one ever saw one of the critters and that no one has photographs showing that the World is more than 500 years old! No cycled paper used in packaging. No products boxed or shipped from sheltered workshops for the "testing-challenged".
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Palin to receive Honorary Doctorate
Rumors are afoot that the Uganda Pentecostal University will be granting an Honorary Doctor of Law to Gov'nor Palin.
The former Hugo Grotius School of Law and Professional Studies is best known for debunking claims that international law forbids burning accused homosexuals at the stake. The leading Uganda ministers have clarified that only paedophiles are burned at the stake. In the case of the sons and nephews of government ministers, most are required to do community service at the retraining center for for the sons and nephews of known homosexual politicians. The controversial "rape-conversions" are, in fact, therapeutic, part of the new government effort never to "spare the rod". Early efforts to use water-boarding to deter male prostitution near popular tourist resorts on Lake Victoria have simply proven ineffective. These are, we are told, "the Devil's terrorists" and there is only one thing that they understand.
A recent Ugandan Supreme Court decision to allow fathers to rape suspected homosexual sons in private has been misunderstood: such measures require both a permit and a documented failure of both public spanking and public flogging to deter the devils contrary to the report of the Kafka Catholic Institute on Doma Lex and Pater Familial Law. Fathers who have lost a hand due to false accusations of theft are permitted to use the mother's oldest brother as their father-surrogate (one must never flog with the left-hand as it is only used to leave the symbol the the Evil Eye when getting to know new neighbors.)
A flood of tourists from Turkey purchasing spades and shovels has led to relaxing anti-terrorist requirements such that young women traveling to Uganda in the company of only their father, their brothers or their mother's brothers shall no longer be required to purchase round-trip tickets. Uganda has been importing spades and shovels from neighboring countries ever since the Fatwa declaring that shovels and spades used to protect family honor are in fact holy relics. The Fatwa on the use of Israeli-made backhoes, once so popular in Uganda, has resulted in the current high demand. It is thought in Juneau that shovels and spades left over from the last Alaskan Gold Rush and currently in storage in Murmansk might be shipped to Uganda once the US Corp of Missionary Engineers has completed the new canal linking the Great Lakes with Lake Victoria. Fears of Communist Chinese carp have delayed the project.
Advisors from AIDS and homosexual-free Iran have been welcomed by the Ugandan Pentecostal Council of Government Ministers and their nephews as a sign of ecumenical amity. Only unwritten or unpublished legal regulations, not confidential policy, will be affected by these consultations with fellow theocrats.
It had previously been thought the the major universities which had granted doctorates (actual full-entitlement PhD's with tenured health insurance benefits) to the present President of The Ukraine and the former Romanian first lady, Dr. Ceausescu (the world's first illiterate female peasant director of a national chemistry research institute) but Roumainian is difficult to spell and Ukraine has only been independent of Russia for about as long as Alaska and could return to form Bi-yellaruss at any time which would be difficult to explain at some international conferences on climate stability and retrograde climate epicycles where they don't always speak much English or don't read so good.
It is not known if a Doctorate of Divinity will be awarded on this or a future visit of the proto-presidential couple to the American Community Christian Missions of Uganda (formerly the World Evangelical Pentecostal Missions to Uganda.)
A Doctorate in Carp Fisheries Administration will be awarded to husband Todd if his duties with the newly amalgamated FAA-NRA permit.
Advert: If you feel your airplane may be a target, rest assured: you are now in the hands of the new FAA, administered by the professionals at NRA. No target is too small for the really big guns at NRA. You will only have to read NTSB-approved gunsights on all weapons carried by our FAA-NRA marshals if you forget the chapter and verse for your in-flight sermon.. Have a FAA-N RA-ide!
Advert: New National Patriots Airlines - only catering to folks who pray without all that rocking and bric-a-brac. The pride of Kentucky! Fly in comfort with your congregation to your next national convention - at ease in our wide-bottomed seats. Head office: Nashville, TN. Remember, only Pastors, Deacons and Elders are permitted to fly Sundays (Mormons excepted.) Ticket purchases by privately-owned Fedex and UPS only, if'n y'all please: the SMSDT (Southern Mail Service and Delivery Trust) is your best choice in a Free America. The Mail Trust carries only the mail we trust! Sponsored by the family-owned House of Thurn and Taxis, home of telegraphed internet tax returns and other banking services. More than just the mail!
The former Hugo Grotius School of Law and Professional Studies is best known for debunking claims that international law forbids burning accused homosexuals at the stake. The leading Uganda ministers have clarified that only paedophiles are burned at the stake. In the case of the sons and nephews of government ministers, most are required to do community service at the retraining center for for the sons and nephews of known homosexual politicians. The controversial "rape-conversions" are, in fact, therapeutic, part of the new government effort never to "spare the rod". Early efforts to use water-boarding to deter male prostitution near popular tourist resorts on Lake Victoria have simply proven ineffective. These are, we are told, "the Devil's terrorists" and there is only one thing that they understand.
A recent Ugandan Supreme Court decision to allow fathers to rape suspected homosexual sons in private has been misunderstood: such measures require both a permit and a documented failure of both public spanking and public flogging to deter the devils contrary to the report of the Kafka Catholic Institute on Doma Lex and Pater Familial Law. Fathers who have lost a hand due to false accusations of theft are permitted to use the mother's oldest brother as their father-surrogate (one must never flog with the left-hand as it is only used to leave the symbol the the Evil Eye when getting to know new neighbors.)
A flood of tourists from Turkey purchasing spades and shovels has led to relaxing anti-terrorist requirements such that young women traveling to Uganda in the company of only their father, their brothers or their mother's brothers shall no longer be required to purchase round-trip tickets. Uganda has been importing spades and shovels from neighboring countries ever since the Fatwa declaring that shovels and spades used to protect family honor are in fact holy relics. The Fatwa on the use of Israeli-made backhoes, once so popular in Uganda, has resulted in the current high demand. It is thought in Juneau that shovels and spades left over from the last Alaskan Gold Rush and currently in storage in Murmansk might be shipped to Uganda once the US Corp of Missionary Engineers has completed the new canal linking the Great Lakes with Lake Victoria. Fears of Communist Chinese carp have delayed the project.
Advisors from AIDS and homosexual-free Iran have been welcomed by the Ugandan Pentecostal Council of Government Ministers and their nephews as a sign of ecumenical amity. Only unwritten or unpublished legal regulations, not confidential policy, will be affected by these consultations with fellow theocrats.
It had previously been thought the the major universities which had granted doctorates (actual full-entitlement PhD's with tenured health insurance benefits) to the present President of The Ukraine and the former Romanian first lady, Dr. Ceausescu (the world's first illiterate female peasant director of a national chemistry research institute) but Roumainian is difficult to spell and Ukraine has only been independent of Russia for about as long as Alaska and could return to form Bi-yellaruss at any time which would be difficult to explain at some international conferences on climate stability and retrograde climate epicycles where they don't always speak much English or don't read so good.
It is not known if a Doctorate of Divinity will be awarded on this or a future visit of the proto-presidential couple to the American Community Christian Missions of Uganda (formerly the World Evangelical Pentecostal Missions to Uganda.)
A Doctorate in Carp Fisheries Administration will be awarded to husband Todd if his duties with the newly amalgamated FAA-NRA permit.
Advert: If you feel your airplane may be a target, rest assured: you are now in the hands of the new FAA, administered by the professionals at NRA. No target is too small for the really big guns at NRA. You will only have to read NTSB-approved gunsights on all weapons carried by our FAA-NRA marshals if you forget the chapter and verse for your in-flight sermon.. Have a FAA-N RA-ide!
Advert: New National Patriots Airlines - only catering to folks who pray without all that rocking and bric-a-brac. The pride of Kentucky! Fly in comfort with your congregation to your next national convention - at ease in our wide-bottomed seats. Head office: Nashville, TN. Remember, only Pastors, Deacons and Elders are permitted to fly Sundays (Mormons excepted.) Ticket purchases by privately-owned Fedex and UPS only, if'n y'all please: the SMSDT (Southern Mail Service and Delivery Trust) is your best choice in a Free America. The Mail Trust carries only the mail we trust! Sponsored by the family-owned House of Thurn and Taxis, home of telegraphed internet tax returns and other banking services. More than just the mail!
Palin and the Pope: the post-2012 Parousia Punditry
Pundits have been asking whether the Pope will visit the White House sometime after 2012 when President Palin takes office. It is thought that it might be preferable if Vice-President Todd Palin met with the the Anti-Christ in the event that Pope Benedict has not retired by that time.
While the Palin administration will not be an openly Pentecostal administration, it will a Bible-believing administration. Secretary of State-designate Larry Kroon has already put pretenders on notice: ever since it was learned that some members of the elders of Vice-President Cheney's United Presbyterian Church were in fact known Methodists, Todd has reminded all federal employees that he is only a phone call away when vetting future Cabinet members and that those with information can e-mail him at any time.
When it was suggested that some senior Senators might meet with the Pope prior to 2012, it was noted that this could be a political quagmire as the Pope had been a Nazi in his youth in Poland.
Even the recent moves of the Pope to restore Irish bishops who had been removed for teaching creationism in their Latin classes in boys-only academies - definitely a better choice than teaching "Leda Raping the Swan" and other such Latin poetry that predated the establishment of the papacy and the false church in Rome - have not served as an answer to Palin's searing question: "How's that touchy-feely thing going for you evangelical Catholics now, eh?"
When asked whether any elders of the Eastern Orthodox Church might be present at an historic Pentecostal-Papal gab-fest, a theological advisor to the Cabinet-in-waiting has suggested that it is too soon to open a dialog with the communist churches that had so long oppressed Protestants in Russia, Southern Mongolia and Tibet.
The new Cabinet post for Missionary Service will, we understand, be open to all Protestant denominations, but it will be staffed to reflect the theology of the new White House. Hugh Jackman, spokesperson for World Visions, has been touted as a possible candidate, although his agent has been somewhat vague on his theological standpoint. It would be unfair to ask for more, as only so much theology can be conveyed in a 15-second HULU.com advert.
It is expected that the Palin IRS will be investigating the tax-free status of both Scientologist and Catholic "churches" - but only in the second mandate of the new presidency and perhaps only in its latter days. The Church of Christ Scientist and their fellow-travelers, Jehovah's Witnesses, are thought to be more suitable targets in a first term given their record in converting innocent evangelical children to their heretical pseudo-faiths.
Meanwhile, Seventh Day Adventists have been slow to respond from their community straddling the borders of Washington and Oregon somewhere south of Walla Walla to the decision by Walisa-based Walla-mart to require all "sales executives" (individual consumer account managers) to at least operate cash registers on Saturdays. As members of the board, the Palins are not thought to have much influence on daily operations so long as employees "Keep The Faith" and remember that the Holy Spirit is the best part of the Entrepreneurial Spirit (and so much easier to spell!) A closer advisor has suggested that this Sabbath ruling really is not too great a hardship for these polygamist communities where mothers can take turns working these Saturday shifts.
While the Palin administration will not be an openly Pentecostal administration, it will a Bible-believing administration. Secretary of State-designate Larry Kroon has already put pretenders on notice: ever since it was learned that some members of the elders of Vice-President Cheney's United Presbyterian Church were in fact known Methodists, Todd has reminded all federal employees that he is only a phone call away when vetting future Cabinet members and that those with information can e-mail him at any time.
When it was suggested that some senior Senators might meet with the Pope prior to 2012, it was noted that this could be a political quagmire as the Pope had been a Nazi in his youth in Poland.
Even the recent moves of the Pope to restore Irish bishops who had been removed for teaching creationism in their Latin classes in boys-only academies - definitely a better choice than teaching "Leda Raping the Swan" and other such Latin poetry that predated the establishment of the papacy and the false church in Rome - have not served as an answer to Palin's searing question: "How's that touchy-feely thing going for you evangelical Catholics now, eh?"
When asked whether any elders of the Eastern Orthodox Church might be present at an historic Pentecostal-Papal gab-fest, a theological advisor to the Cabinet-in-waiting has suggested that it is too soon to open a dialog with the communist churches that had so long oppressed Protestants in Russia, Southern Mongolia and Tibet.
The new Cabinet post for Missionary Service will, we understand, be open to all Protestant denominations, but it will be staffed to reflect the theology of the new White House. Hugh Jackman, spokesperson for World Visions, has been touted as a possible candidate, although his agent has been somewhat vague on his theological standpoint. It would be unfair to ask for more, as only so much theology can be conveyed in a 15-second HULU.com advert.
It is expected that the Palin IRS will be investigating the tax-free status of both Scientologist and Catholic "churches" - but only in the second mandate of the new presidency and perhaps only in its latter days. The Church of Christ Scientist and their fellow-travelers, Jehovah's Witnesses, are thought to be more suitable targets in a first term given their record in converting innocent evangelical children to their heretical pseudo-faiths.
Meanwhile, Seventh Day Adventists have been slow to respond from their community straddling the borders of Washington and Oregon somewhere south of Walla Walla to the decision by Walisa-based Walla-mart to require all "sales executives" (individual consumer account managers) to at least operate cash registers on Saturdays. As members of the board, the Palins are not thought to have much influence on daily operations so long as employees "Keep The Faith" and remember that the Holy Spirit is the best part of the Entrepreneurial Spirit (and so much easier to spell!) A closer advisor has suggested that this Sabbath ruling really is not too great a hardship for these polygamist communities where mothers can take turns working these Saturday shifts.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Sarah Palin: Pentecostal in the closet. Outing Sarah Palin, Pentecostal for JC
Yes, Mitt Romney attends a Church of Latter Day saints, but no, he is not a Mormon. Yes, Melinda Gates attends a Catholic church, but no, she is not Roman Catholic. She is just catholic in her beliefs.
And Sarah Palin, contrary to the obvious facts, is not a Pentecostal.
Here's how we know. Wikipedia, a liberal front for the left, reports that:
At ground/zero you can be sure that they release that dangerous spirit, that methane of the permafrost, that would otherwise leave on your child ... the mark of m*st*rb*tion. The mark of Cain! Your child will never be tempted by the Antichrist, Pope Benedict XXX, or his legion of devils incarnate, the Jesuits.
Jesus was not a Jew! Saul of Tarsus was a Roman! John of Jerusalem was adopted! Philo of Alexandria was another jewish hoax! The mother of Plotinus wore army boots!
We will not be labeled. We are bible -believers. Not biblical literalists. Not know-nothings. When the one true Bible is finally revealed - a single papyrus scroll with all the vowels where they belonged and only one account of Genesis, then we'll show 'em ! Keep the faith! Keep digging! It'll be in seven jars sealed with seven seals under seven feet of sand! One scroll in seven jars, the final miracle!
Links may expire: wikipedia Wasilla Bible Juneau Christians Anonymous
For permalinks, see en.wikipedia.org/wiki/permafrost
Fact: puberty can be either rapid development or rapid change or intense development or intense change. Have your child invite a Catholic! See a conversion in real-time! This is not brain-washing! This is not peer pressure! This is revival! Grace! And then if that Catholic invites two Catholics and they in turn invite two Catholics - why it will be the next miracle of the fishes!
Fact: most of our converts will have that "big white wedding". Mom's need not be alarmed on that count.
And Sarah Palin, contrary to the obvious facts, is not a Pentecostal.
Here's how we know. Wikipedia, a liberal front for the left, reports that:
Palin was born into a Roman Catholic family. Later, her family joined the Wasilla Assembly of God, a Pentecostal church, which she attended until 2002. Palin then switched to the Wasilla Bible Church because, she said, she preferred the children's ministries offered there.But the truth is that when she was living in Juneau and finally had a choice, she opted for the JCC, the Juneau Christian Center. Any why? Not because JCC has been founded in 1917 as the Bethel Pentecostal Mission as the first Pentecostal mission in Alaska precisely on the model of the Azusa Street Revival! No. Not because it was also known later at its new an expanded complex as Bethel Christian Center! No. She chose it for the ground/zero project. The only project to effectively transform puberty into evangelical zeal! Just read this:
ground/zero - the center of rapid or intense development or change.No other church in Juneau could place your child at that critical life stage: ground zero. Not even in Hiroshima. Not even in Nagasaki!
Our name speaks our purpose. At ground/zero we have a vision to develop youth that are marked by purity, passion, and the presence of God. This vision exists to create young people that will carry ground/zero as a movement, not just a meeting.
At ground/zero you can be sure that they release that dangerous spirit, that methane of the permafrost, that would otherwise leave on your child ... the mark of m*st*rb*tion. The mark of Cain! Your child will never be tempted by the Antichrist, Pope Benedict XXX, or his legion of devils incarnate, the Jesuits.
Jesus was not a Jew! Saul of Tarsus was a Roman! John of Jerusalem was adopted! Philo of Alexandria was another jewish hoax! The mother of Plotinus wore army boots!
We will not be labeled. We are bible -believers. Not biblical literalists. Not know-nothings. When the one true Bible is finally revealed - a single papyrus scroll with all the vowels where they belonged and only one account of Genesis, then we'll show 'em ! Keep the faith! Keep digging! It'll be in seven jars sealed with seven seals under seven feet of sand! One scroll in seven jars, the final miracle!
Links may expire: wikipedia Wasilla Bible Juneau Christians Anonymous
For permalinks, see en.wikipedia.org/wiki/permafrost
Fact: puberty can be either rapid development or rapid change or intense development or intense change. Have your child invite a Catholic! See a conversion in real-time! This is not brain-washing! This is not peer pressure! This is revival! Grace! And then if that Catholic invites two Catholics and they in turn invite two Catholics - why it will be the next miracle of the fishes!
Fact: most of our converts will have that "big white wedding". Mom's need not be alarmed on that count.
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